The least threatening way of doing
this is not to talk about your spouse, but to talk about how you feel. For example, it is far more effective to say, “I felt belittled” as opposed to saying,
“you’re an insensitive jerk.” Likewise,
better to say, “I was (felt) surprised when you said…” rather than calling your
spouse a “serial liar.” In this
instance, you are addressing the crux of the issue in a way that doesn’t
require your spouse to engage in self-defense.
That only makes differences more difficult to resolve and further
damages the relationship warns Marriage Counseling Naples. Note:
To be effective, your “I feel” statement should not be used to try and
mask a personal attack (e.g. “I feel you’re an idiot”). If you use the word “you,” in your “I feel”
statement, it should focus on your spouse’s action or words, not the person him
or herself (e.g. “I was hurt when you
slammed the door behind you”). This is
standard fare for those engaged in marriage counseling, including marriage
and family therapists and couples counselors.
III. Respect – Convey
Positive Regard
When people enter into conflict, each side tends to
"dehumanize" the other. That is, they tend to see the other in
an increasingly negative light. They find exaggerated differences between
how they view themselves and those on the other side. All such assessments
diminish one's ability to relate to that person. This also hold true in marriages states Marriage Counseling Bonita Springs.
Maintaining respect means holding your spouse in positive regard
even though you may take issue with their actions, words, or perspective. If you want to receive respect you must show
it. If you want peace with another, you
will get there by maintaining appreciation for them as a person, not putting
them down. Husband: Even
though we are having problems, I don’t think you realize how much I still love
you and want to be with you. Ask
yourself this question: Do I convey respect and positive regard toward
your spouse even in the midst of the conflict?
Conclusion
You can better resolve marital
conflict by (1) stepping into your spouse’s skin, by (2) asserting
yourself, that is, expressing your own perspective without attacking your
spouse, and (3) by showing respect, that is, conveying positive regard to your
spouse. Indeed, if you engage in all
three steps, you will taking a road that is rarely traveled in troubled marriages.
http://www.MarriageCounselingAlt.com/couples.htm is the website of Dr. Ken Newberger, a marital mediator who
offers couples an effective cutting-edge alternative to traditional marriage
counseling. He serves couples in SWFL,
that is Naples, Fort Myers, Ft Myers Beach, Estero, Bonita Springs, Cape Coral,
and Punta Gorda FL. Call him at
239-689-4266 to learn more.
